My thoughts on the recent Critical Role episode.

[rogueslayer452]

I don't think I've been this devastated over a PC death in Critical Role before.

Obviously there's been some deeply emotional moments throughout all campaigns, many which affected me even upon rewatching, and it's not like characters haven't died before but there was always a chance of them being brought back through resurrection or Revivify, or some other factors that contributed to their character coming back in some way. C1 had all of Vox Machina die at some point throughout the campaign, and the only permanent one was Vax but there were circumstances that allowed him to remain present until after they defeated Vecna. It didn't make it less upsetting, but at least there was time given for us to process what would be inevitable.

I think that's what makes this so different.

FCG made the conscious decision to heroically sacrifice himself in a blaze of glory. It was a decision not made lightly, but made quickly during the battle that would've, once again, been a possible TPK at the hands of Otohan. When Sam mentions that FCG uses Guiding Bolt on himself to activate his core, it was the most startling realization of what he was planning on doing. Even Matt looked so thrown by this, to the point where he was actually asking Sam multiple times if he knew what this meant. I'd never seen Matt this distraught before. It just adds to the weight of what was happening, the finality of it all, the meaning behind what FCG was doing. Combined that with the rest of the players giving him dice for the massive damage roll he was going to do while crying and Sam's speech, and the description Matt gives of what occurs, it's what made that moment so much more powerful and emotional.

Here's the thing, FCG might be my favorite character Sam has played, following Taryon Darrington. I have a soft spot when it comes to robots, especially when they're trying to understand who they are and their purpose of existing, whether they were alive. And that's precisely the journey FCG went on this campaign. Alongside the silly and ridiculous moments (naturally, being played by Sam), there were so deeply profound moments of this little robot aeormaton just trying to figure out his place in the world, his overall purpose, especially after coming to the realization of his origin, and wondering if he had a soul. He had some kind of existential crisis about it, too. But his friends, as much as they could, tried to reassure him that he was alive, that it didn't matter what happened before it was what was happening now. And while I wished there was more he could've discovered about himself and to have the kind of life he wanted, the fact that his sacrifice was a conscious decision and one he made for himself to save those he loved and cared about. It wasn't something predestined, or something programmed inside of him that was triggered. It was all him. He's an aeormaton who had autonomy of himself, his decisions, the path he wanted to take, and he chose it for good instead of destruction.

I think that's what broke me, I guess. On a narrative level, it makes sense, and it's so poetic the way it happened. But as a viewer and as someone who has grown attached to these characters, having FCG, or any one of them for that matter, sacrifice themselves in this manner would've hit hard, it just hits harder for me because FCG is a robot who was just discovering themselves. They found love with friendship, they found love in romance and companionship with another who was just like him (FRIDA! ;__; WHO IS GOING TO TELL HIM?! I think that thought broke me further tbh, because they were so cute and I wanted them to reunite and THEN THIS HAPPENED and I'M SAD), they found faith with the Changebringer, they atoned and made amends with those from their past, really despite everything that could have been FCG really truly went on a journey of self-discovery and used that as a motivation to save his friends, those he loves, which is what his purpose was all along.

Yes, this is long, but I haven't stopped thinking about this. It's such a well done moment, but a moment that will continue to break my heart because FCG was a beloved little robot guy who I grew to love, because obviously I love robots so this definitely hit different in that way.

R.I.P. FCG, aka Fresh Cut Grass, aka Faithful Caregiver. ❤